Gabrielle gazed into the fire, Xena sleeping soundly next to her.  Her eyes ached, a burning in them she couldn't get rid of.  Didn't want to get rid of.  She wanted the tears to keep falling freely, and never end.  She squeezed her eyes shut, willing tears to fall, but all she felt was that gaunt, empty numbness.  She'd felt it once before and this time...

Her throat caught, and she buried her head in her arms.   She looked to the scroll in her lap, a thick old one that had seen better days.  She hadn't brought herself to read it, knowing it's loving author, the pain was hard enough with the simple memory of Eve's hate-etched face as she ran him through.

Already taken from her, a frail wrinkled visage of the vibrant, vital man she'd loved so much... and the soul she had seen... gentle, loving - so much that she'd stupidly missed somehow, was ripped from her.  He just lay there, blood tinged at his lips, his eyes to the brink with a hopeless pain that echoed in her soul.

Why?!  Why again?!  Why to *him* of all people?  The one man that seemed to be always there.  Her rock, her support so violently yanked away from her.  Hot salty drops splashed her cheeks once more as she gazed up to the stars.  Swallowing, she sighed.

"Joxer... I - I don't know if you can hear me.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for everything.  I never - I never thought I'd feel like this... so empty without you.  And I can't keep living like this.  I just - want you back.  Like before.  I want you to in that pelt next to me with that stupid Gods-damned smirk you'd wear when I *knew* you were dreaming about me!  I want to hit you, wake you up.  I want to see that look in your eyes when you would wake up next to me.  I need to see it.  I live for it.  I lived for you... and I didn't know.  Neither did you.  And... it's - it's not FAIR dammit!!  Do you hear me?!  It's not FAIR!  Why the hell did you leave me?!  Why can't you be next to me now?!"  Before she could say anything else she fell into a wrenching sob, grabbing the scroll and hugging it to her.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there for, just letting the mumbling whimpers lift from her, her eyes searching the stars for answers.  After a moment, she lifted her fingers to her eyes, they were dry.  She frowned, looking down to the scroll.  Unravelling the ties, she unrolled it.

"I sing of a life I never lived, with a woman I never gave up loving. In the life I was given were the children of mine that gave me hope.  My son that lights my days with his visions of good.  So much like her.  I idly wonder if her soul is within him.  But I don't dwell on such things.

"At night, another world greets me.  I live to close my eyes, let my dreams envelope me.  I have them all around me, my sister and my love, so that I don't forget them.  I can't forget them.  And they don't die in my mind.  I am there with them, and they're always happy to see me.  Sometimes, in my dreams, she is grumpy.  Gabrielle... it aches to say her name, and yet at the same time, my heart dances. Then there are times where we just lay back on our pelts, chatting like we used to sometimes, talking about things that would entertain Gabrielle's mind for a time.  Xena, ever stoic, would prepare her worn weapons for the next day of battle, and I'd just watch them.

"Once, I dreamt Gabrielle said she loved me.  I mean, really loved me.  I suppose it's silly, because she never did, not like I wanted.  I suppose my old heart needed to believe she did.  Sometimes when I looked to her eyes, and fell into them like I loved to do, I supposed I saw something else than annoyance, or casual interest.  Sometimes I thought perhaps, she loved me too.  And in my dreams, she did.  She would embrace me with no fear, love me with no restraints.   She would make me feel important, like I was her world.  We'd love together, live together, make children together... all in my mind.

"That was just a fancy though... through my life one thing became dauntingly clear... I would never have her.  Perhaps it was just a fancy to start with, but it became my soul to end with."

Gabrielle let the scroll sink into a tangled mess in her lap, her eyes swelling with tears that felt like her eyes were bleeding.  She stood, pulling herself up as she staggered into the forest around her, the sensation of her heart being ripped apart making her almost sick.  Her chest heaved in little wracks, and as she reached the nearby ridge that looked over a reaching mass of forest, she looked up to the sky with a pleading.

"Whoever is there... whoever can hear me... don't take him from me - I need him - I love him!"

"Gabrielle..."

She spun around, her eyes wide.

"Juh - JOXER!"

Her legs went wild as she ran to him, flinging her arms around him, gulping sobs and sighs being spent against the silky cream flesh of his... young skin... young face.  Oh Gods!  She littered kisses on his cheek, his forehead.

"I love you," she muttered, "I love you Joxer I'm sorry I'm so sorry I never told you... OH God I barely knew... please don't leave me please!"

Joxer, wearing a simple waistcoat of the woven material she'd always known him in, and the deep green shirt he'd worn in his old age, tilted his head, his lips turned up in a soft smile, his eyes growing red.

"Gab..." he whispered.  Gabrielle let out a satisfied gasp, a smile leaping onto her face.

"Joxer," she sobbed, burying herself into his chest.

"I can't... I can't stay."

Her relief broke, her eyes searching his frantically as she glanced up to him, "But - Joxer - Joxer you have to! I can't live without you! I Can't!  I can't do it anymore Joxer!  I thought you'd always stay!!"

"Oh Gab," He sighed, "I want to always stay, I want to be with you always.  I... I can't, it's not my place to choose.  Our life - this life - it's a broken one.  Not ours to keep."

She sighed, hissing in a sob, "Why - why can't it be?  I want it to be mine - it is mine dammit!  I want you in it!"

He ran a hand over the silken curve of her blushed cheek, and leaning forward, he kissed a tear.

"I want to be in your life," he said gently, "It's all I've ever wanted."

"You didn't know," she said, "That I loved you.  I've always loved you, and I wanted - I wanted to be a mother, for your babies dammit!  That was my place with you!"

"In my heart, you always were," he said with a sad crooked smile, "I taught them with your wisdom.  Their smarts, their hunger for life... it's all you.  In a way, you were as much their mother as Meg was.  What you didn't give of your womb, I gave them of your spirit."

The words sent her heart reeling, and all she could do was slide her arms around his neck, burying her face into the nape of his neck, smelling his scent, feeling that familiar warmth.

"I'll love you forever."

Joxer brought her back from his neck, searching her eyes, "In this life, there's no time for us, no place for us.  This thing that we dream of - and slips away from us... it'll never happen.  Not now.  Not in this life."

"No!" she exclaimed, her heart tightening, "No!"

"It's all decided for us," he continued, "Our life here...  has one sweet moment set aside for us - that's all."

"What moment?!" she cried, "We haven't had any moments!  We've had Tartarus, that's what!"

Before she could cry out any more, his lips smothered hers in a gentle kiss, starting so chaste but growing as Gabrielle pulled him to her fiercely, as if claiming him would make him stay.

"Gab," he pulled away, Gabrielle's kisses still peppering his cheek and lips, "Gab..."

She sighed, her lips being halted by Joxer's fingertips.

"We have forever," he said, "We'll be together again.  In a life that is ours, and only ours."

"I don't want another life," she said with a whimper, "I want this one... with you!"

"The lives we get are all we have...  I'll be with you always."

She shook her head, Joxer stepping back, "Joxer... don't!  Joxer!"

He turned, his movements as always gentle, his body being eaten up by the darkness as he moved from the moonlight.

"Joxer!  Dammit STAY!"

As she raced into the darkness, she reached for his body - any body.  Her hands slipped through air, her fingers aching for that touch she'd only had a glimpse of.  She sank to her knees, cradling her head in her hands.

"Joxer..." she breathed, "Oh Gods... "

She opened her eyes, the visage of stars framed in the black spatter of tree canopy, scroll unrolled over her chest, the top length of dowel sitting against her damp jaw.  She sat up slowly, her head swimming in grief and weariness.  She looked next to her, Xena still snoozing, buried under fur and blankets.

She looked at the scroll in her hands, solemnly rolling it up.  A sigh left her, the fire that was previously raging now burnt down.

"I won't have you," she said, "Who wants forever if it's without you?"

She sighed, pulling her blanket up around her, clutching the scroll to her chest.  Perhaps, after they cleared up this mess with Liv - Eve, they could harass one of the Gods into taking them back to their time.  Or something... yeah...

Her thoughts drifted, her eyes slowly falling shut...

She wouldn't let him live that life...  he would live again... maybe with her.

"For God's sakes!" the woman sighed, "I've got half an hour till this meeting - you think you can make me a coffee and a roll in that time?!"

The woman behind the counter of the lunch bar shrugged, her plump figure bobbing with the notion.  The blonde woman sighed, turning and taking a seat at a nearby table.  Next to the small square, a young man in a black tight T-shirt pulled chairs from a truck, lugging them into the open back doors of the upbeat club.   She went there often with her best friend, playing on the pinball machine, playing pool with their friends.

She'd never seen him before, but she found herself gazing at him as he lifted the black stools up, his pale arms rippling pleasantly as he lugged about the equipment.   She blinked, realising what she was doing, and pulled out her clip-file to the brim with notes.  A throat cleared and she looked up.

"Your roll, miss," said the woman with a scathing grin.

"Thank you, Meg," she said, "I'm sorry I growled I just -"

The woman rolled her eyes and waved a hand, "Is okay."

As Meg walked off, she took up the roll she was given, taking a large bite.  Dammit all, she was starved.  Carefully, she took a sip of her cappuccino, licking her lips.

Mid-lick, she glanced up, the young man she'd spotted earlier chatting to a burly tanned guy in the back of the truck with a goatee, his chiselled arms accentuated with the singlet he wore.  The paler man flapped at his stomach, lifting his tight black t-shirt up and down to cool himself off as he spoke.   His face was expressive... he had a bit of a nose but it was cute somehow. Maybe he was gay...  She shook the thought, opening her file.

With a sudden rush of wind, one of the papers lifted itself up, fluttering away in the breeze.

"No!!  Dammit!"  She gasped, jumping up and racing after the paper.

Her eyes were set on the paper, and didn't notice the strong pale hand grab it.  She stood, meeting the gentle brown eyes of... oh God...

"Hi," she felt herself barely wheeze.

"Hi," the guy smiled, "This is yours... " He noticed the name in the corner, "Gabrielle?"

She blushed, "Anal, I know," she said, looking to the paper, "Labelling my papers at 25."

The guy shrugged, "Naah," he said, "Makes sense."

Were it any other person, she would have turned away, said thank you and...  she couldn't.  Not to this man.

"Uh - I guess you know my name... wanna do me the honours?"

"Oh!" the man slapped his forehead, "Sorry - Jock."

She blinked, "Jock?  Like a football player?"

The man blushed, "Uh, well... my parents are Irish," he said, his cheeks tinged with red, "I'm actually - you promise not to laugh?"

"No," Gabrielle grinned, and the guy nodded.

"Well then I -"

He stopped, his eyes set on her lip.  She frowned.

"You um," he waggled a finger at his own top lip, and Gabrielle now blushed furiously.

"Oh shit," she grabbed a tissue from her pocket, wiping at her top lip and laughing with an embarrassed smile, "You know - uh- the coffee..."

"Yeah," the guy smiled, "Since you went through that humiliation I may as well..."

"Hmm?"

"My name."

"Oh!" Gabrielle rolled her eyes and laughed, "Sure."

"Joxer."

She frowned, "What a bizarre name..."

Joxer shrugged, pulling at the hem of his black shirt nervously, "Well, Irish parents... it's a nick name back where they come from.  Their grandpa was called that."

"Oh," Gabrielle nodded, and looking him up and down, she smiled, "Don't ask me why, but it suits you."

Jock grinned, nodding as he scratched the side of his nose with a stubby finger.  He looked to the paper, and pointed to it.

"So what do you do, I mean..."

"This?" She lifted it up, "Oh I um... I'm a writer."

"Yeah?" Jock cocked a brow, "Wow, what kind of stories?"

"History dramas mostly," she said, "The kind that get turned into corny british mini-series."

"Not to mention Winona Ryder movies..."

Gabrielle chuckled, grinning at Joxer.  "Totally...  so... I haven't seen you around here before..."

"Oh!  Yeah..." Joxer nodded, "I just started today...  I usually - I sing in a band, lead guitar as well and - well this is just to get a bit of money to keep food in my belly."

"Oh," she smiled, "That's great."

"Say um," He looked a little nervous, "Do you wanna come see my band tonight?"

"Hmm?" She couldn't believe he had just asked her out.  She held her eyes shut as she took the moment to get her head together, "I mean - Sure!  Yes!  I'd love to!"

Joxer grinned, "Wow.. I mean - great!"

She felt herself grinning too, like a village idiot, "Well uh.. details?"

"Oh!" Joxer nodded, pulling out a grubby flyer from his back pocket, "We're playing at that weird place done up in plaster and fake greek masonry and stuff..."

"Oh, Temple Beat," she nodded, "I've been there."

"A little pretentious, I know," he said, "They pay you good though."

"Hmm... the Bards? Kinda fitting..."

"My friend Andrew thought it up."

"Hmm..." Gabrielle smiled up at the young man, her green eyes dancing,  "We'll be there..."

He frowned, "We?"

"Mm-hmm," she nodded, "Me and my best friend Zena."