Special Section!

This session should just be called "Dear Jubes, Replacement Hair Stylist", not that I have a problem with that but I gotta wonder if you people think that's all that I'm good at giving advice on.  You can ask me about the real issues dude - Jubilee ain't afraid of the full funky!  Anyway - this issue, we hear from a woman that is having hallucinations of David E. Kelley proportions (you know it gotta be bad), we explore the defenition of "Mary-Sue", and I give it up on the 'Making Friends' advice.  There is some fun stuff in this weeks letters, and I was totally blown away by how many letters I got.  Keep it up, y'all, this is the good shit right here.

I just got a red mohawk, and it's real cool and all. It has six six-inch spikes, and it looks so cool. But my problem is that My hair grows real fast (eg. it was pure red a week ago when I dyed it and now there's like a 1/4 inch of dark hair now) and it doesn't look so good anymore. Any ideas?

Freakish on Friday the 13th

Hey dude! Red mohawk huh?  Awesome!  Uh... why don't you just re-dye it? You know, have a bottle of dye and bleach handy and retouch it up.  I know it sounds totally girly, but like, maintenance is the only way to a continued good look, ya know?

Dear Jubilee,

I think I'm going insane. When I'm at work, I keep seeing naked men out of the corner of my eyes. I wouldn't mind this, you understand, except none of my colleagues can see them.

I even thought I saw my boss naked a couple of days ago, and now I can't look at him without blushing. It's getting embarrassing!

Please help me!

A Very Worried Woman

Geez, the problems you people throw at me.  Okay - are they buff men?  Like Logan or Cyke buff?  If they are - gimme the disease man.  If it's your BOSS naked - dude!  Get your eyes checked!  Or maybe your head.

Don't be embarrassed!  Naked people - that's nothing.  At least you only *think* you're seeing them.  When I was living with my parents (you know how loaded *they* were, right?) my senile uncle George kept strolling through the house in his birthday suit.  Okay, he wasn't *really* senile, he was just very strange.  Forgot that the 60s was like, a phase, and that it was *over*.   He'd come up to me with his long hair in the bandana and was like, "Wow Jubilation, I feel the totally shallow vibes you're eminating and it's totally ruining your aura, baby.  Just chill and like, love the world, okay?"  So, at least your naked people are silent and aren't trying to get you stoned.

There!  I'm great at this shit!

Dear Jubes,

I recently started reading fanfiction, and I keep coming across this term, "Mary Sue", only no-one ever explains what it means.

I'm confused. Please could you explain it for me?

Many thanks,

Confused from California

Hey Confused!   Well, luckily, you've asked a woman who *knows* her stuff!     Mary-Sue, or her male counterpart, Marty-Stu, is a phenomena in fan-fiction also more commonly known as 'Author Self-Insertion'.  Dude... no, I *so* don't mean that, please, that's *grody*.   Anyways - there are some authors that, as good as they might be, have a latent need to escape reality and be a totally amazing person.  Hey!  Who doesn't?!   I sure as fuck do.   So anyways - they make up these characters, put them in fic.   They're usually pretty lame though, and try as the reader might to try to enjoy the character and all that, it's just not possible.

The reader ends up HATING them!!

I'm sure you've come across it before.  The character helps Rogue discover her true feelings for Logan.   The character is a new ensign on the Enterprise that totally rocks at everything. (No, I'm not talking about Wesley - we all know he was a complete dink.  A loveable dink.  You call him a dink to my face I blast your ass).  They're the friend that gets into the Scooby Gang with no problems and is instrumental in defeating Monster of the Week.   They're the friend of Xena Warrior Princess that can fight as good as Xena, tell stories better than Gabrielle and ends up with Ares after a sweaty fight.

To the fandom at hand, X-Men that is, you will come across relatively few Mary-Sue's/Marty-Stu's.  Why?  Well, it seems to be a fandom driven by Ships.  Relationships, that is.   Logan and Rogue.  Logan and Jean.  Logan and Cyke.  You name it baby.  Logan gets lucky a *lot* huh?  Anyways - stories where Miss Fabulous comes in as the new teacher or new student and wows her way into Logan or Cyke's bed are few and far between.  Often, in the X-dom, our intrepid MSer will try to unite their favoured couple, and end up with someone other than the Alpha Males, like Hank McCoy (Beast), Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler), Bobby (if he's not gay), or John Allerdyce (Ditto).

MS types aren't always bad.   Author Self-Insertion is not a *bad* thing.  I wouldn't be the kick-ass dame I was without Nacey inserting some of her energies and party-animal instincts into me.  I know of one author (Shana Nolan, to drop a name) who writes the best damned Jean I've ever seen, and it's because she's so into the character and sees so much of herself in that character.

So - Author Self-Insertion.  Explained.  You read it here first.  I hope.


I'm having hair issues, chica, and I need help!

My hair is cut in a chin length bob, and it generally works for me, but we've been having such *humid* weather here in New York that it's just a big ball of frizz!

Any light styling products you could recommend?  Preferably ones that smell nice, as I can't stand heavy scents?

I'm going crazy here!


Frizzy on Fifth Avenue

Why does everybody come to me with hair problems?  Do I *look* like a hairdresser?   Luckily I know my stuff.   If I were you - I'm not sure what kind of hair you have (heavy, fine, light, dark), but with humid weather, the best styling product I find is a wax.   You heard me, wax.  Some people can wear it, some people can't.  Generally, blondes get away with it much better.   The wax heavies the hair, but it doesn't look lack-lustre or oily.  Go to hair product specialty stores and see if they have that there.  Hope that helps.

Dear Jubes,

My boyfriend's birthday is coming up.  I want to buy him something nice, but not *too* nice, since we've only been going out for two months.  He's not much of an athlete, but he does like the outdoors, music and cars.  Since everyone knows you are the "shopping goddess" extraordinaire, I need your advice.  What should I get him?

Elizabeth, 17
Burlington, VT

Huh.  Hummm.  The best thing to do, and I know this seems obvious, is to ask the guy what he wants.  Hey no, not outright.  Drill him subtly.  Bring stuff up in conversations.  Talk your way to the subject of 'if you had so and so, what would you buy?'    If it's getting too obvious, or you're terrible at subtlety and don't wanna try that idea, then look at what he does logically, see what he's into, examine it closely and try to find something that's totally gels with his lifestyle.  I dunno - boots or walking equipment or something cute for his car.

Of course, you could do it the Uncle George way, and 'feel the vibes' of the things you're buying.  Even if it ends up something crazy or stupid like a little figure or statue from a junk shop, it's the sort of thing that ends up on top of the guy's computer or dashboard, becoming a part of his life and he says to people who go, "What the hell is that thing?"

"Oh, my girlfriend gave it to me for my birthday.  It's been there for ages.  I like it."

I dunno - whatever you get him, if you put thought and effort into it, that's all that matters.  He'll love it.

Hi Jubes,

I'm moving from a small town where I know everybody, to a big city where I know no one.  I'm nervous about making new friends.  And if that wasn't bad enough, when I told my gang I was leaving, they acted *happy*.  They started making plans without me and have been ignoring me. Why?  What should I do?  I mean, I'm not gone yet!

Nervous and Ignored
Ashford, CT

First off, feel *happy* that you're ditching those bitches!   I mean - what a bunch of low-life scum are they!   Secondly - making new friends is so painfully easy.  Even if you don't get in with the 'in' crowd (Which are as about as entertaining as a carton of rancid milk), you'll find your own niche and a bunch of people that are *right* for you, and treat you right.   Here's how:

1.  Be open and friendly.
2.  Wear what you like.
3.  Don't worry about how you look or how to act.  Just be yourself and be laid back.
4.  Don't let teasing get to you.  If you ignore it, someone will respect you for it.
5.  Don't be afraid to be confident.
6.  Go at it like life's a feast, and there's plenty of room in your belly for all of it.

I know it's hard, but you just have to break through the 'OhmiGod what if they hate me' mindset to realise that they're *all* scared that they'll make the social mistake at school today, and that they're just as nervous about things as you are.  They're all human, all frail inside, all little children wanting to be liked.  If you remember that, you can't go wrong.

Dear Jubes,

I guess I'm writing you because my three older sisters are clueless about guys in general and teenage boys in particular. And my other two older sisters are married and can't be counted on to say anything that I'll remotely understand. Then again, I'm the youngest of six and there's nearly a decade between me and the triplets.

Anyway, the Important Bits are down here if you'd like to skip ahead. :) There's this boy in my English class.. He's cute. Bobby 'I want to jump his bones' Drake cute. Dick 'Nightwing looks good in tights' Grayson cute. How do I get him to notice me as something other than the loud mouthed redhead who can out-Shakespeare the teacher? And I mean notice in a *Good* way.

Luv the little red bird,

Well, heaven forbid I get your sisters angry with me for any bad advice I may give you (how old are you anyways?!) but generally a guy noticing you will be a matter of chemistry.   There are a few things that can help, and it's not just the obvious 'dress to impress' kinda thang (though that *so* helps).   Talk to him, smile at him.   All important - don't be afraid to make eye contact, and smile.  It's that personal, spiritual contact that so draws men in.  I swear, it's true.  A look and a smile can totally make a guy spellbound.   Find things in common with him, and make the most of them.   Most important of all - try to have fun with him.  Having fun with someone is the number one thing that attracts people.  Finally - good luck!

Dude, I've done my duty.  I so love my duty.   Gimme more duty to fill babies!  Write write write!  There is some majorly cool shit coming up at the Cheeto Run site, and Cheeto Buddy is a major part of that.  Can you say, exclusive Cheeto Run material online?   I thought you could!   Now, Bobby is razzin' me for a lift to Lily's Tavern, so I better bail and get the fag a beer.   Next edition is Christmas-y themed (Or is that X-Mas themed?) so don't let me down babies.  Jubes wants a pretty present - that'n be you!

Jubilation Lee
Vigilante, fashion guru,
Hair Specialist to the Cheese-Obsessed.

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Jubilation Lee?  Well WRITE IN!


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Dear Jubes! Archive

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